Five things you can do right now to bring hot sex back into your relationship
“Sex was so good at the beginning of our relationship. Now, it’s like we have to force ourselves to put down our phones and get naked. It feels like a chore. What happened? Where did the excitement go? Can we ever get that feeling back, again?”
—every couple ever
Where did the spark go?
Every relationship goes through a dip in sexual intensity, particularly following the thrill of getting to know each other. Still, it always feels like a surprise when that excitement wanes.
It’s a normal cycle. But that doesn’t mean you have to settle for boring sex. In fact, as a Certified Sex Therapist, I’ve seen just about every sexual challenge a couple can experience, and the most common question I hear is “how do we get that spark back?”
Your “boring sex” probably means your relationship is deepening.
First, there’s good news. You’ve become comfortable with one another. You’ve gotten to know someone deeply and that “boredom” you’re feeling is, believe it or not, a good sign.
Familiarity breeds deep connection.
You see, that familiarity means you’re no longer in that “exploration” mode. You’ve graduated. So, before you bemoan your waning sex life, honor the intimacy you’ve built with your partner. Well done.
You have a partner.
Second, you’re not alone in this problem. You’ve got a partner. And, best of all, your partner may be feeling the same way you’re feeling. You can fix this together and that will bring you closer.
By the way, the two of you are not alone, either. I’m here to help. Despite how it feels right now, you can stop having boring sex and make intimacy exciting, again. I have years of experience with clients just like you as proof.
The secret to bringing your sex “from not to hot” is communication with your partner. Just telling each other there’s a problem will take you most of the way toward a solution.
Not sure about the value of communication? That’s a fair question. But here’s my response: in the history of problems how many have been solved by NOT acknowledging them? Exactly zero.
Are you ready to change your sex life in five steps?
(and are you ready for a bonus sixth step?)
- One of you has to break the ice. It may as well be you. Tell your partner what you like about your sexual relationship. Name what’s working well. Be specific about what you currently enjoy about what you’re both doing.
- Be aware of how you make room in your schedule and in your head to be a sexual person. When couples are in a more established, committed relationship, the shiny newness of sex tends to disappear. Continue to make sex a priority and not an afterthought at the end of a long work day/day with the kids.
- Aim for “good enough sex.” Too often, couples chase that high-five, fiery passionate experience, which is wonderful. But that’s not realistic every single time. Discuss with your partner how you define “good enough sex.”
- Expand your definition of “sex.” Sex doesn’t only mean penis-in-vagina intercourse. Sex means many different things to many people. It can be anything you do that involves giving and receiving pleasurable touch. This really opens up the possibilities, doesn’t it? For instance, it can involve genitals, but it doesn’t have to. It can involve orgasm, but it doesn’t have to. It can involve nudity, but not always.
- Flip the script. Too often couples fall into a predictable sexual role that gets boring really quickly. Break out of the rut and do something different. Talk about your fantasies. Talk can be sexy. Brainstorm ways you’d like to shake up the routine and try something outside of your norm.
And here’s your bonus tip:
If you’re having problems with your relationship – even if that relationship is with yourself, don’t suffer alone. There’s help out there. You should feel great about the relationship you have with your partner and with yourself. Call me to schedule your free consultation.